hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
