What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
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