Old men and throwing up are my life now.
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
