my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
foreskin is a definite game changer
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Randomize
