she sounds like chewbacca in bed
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
