I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Randomize
