i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
