have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Randomize
