just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
