put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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