So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
Randomize
