You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Randomize
