Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
