You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
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