I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
high people should be assigned attendants
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
