No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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