I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Randomize
