Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
