sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize