I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
