Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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