Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
