i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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