My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I think I sprained my soul last night
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize