I swear she didn't look like that last week.
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Two words: nipple clamps
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