that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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