this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize