she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
