home. puking in laundry basket.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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