somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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