But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
