he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
this is an emotional support booty call
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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