And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
