there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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