Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
