On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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