I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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