Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Randomize
