this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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