NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
