just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
