I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Randomize