I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
