I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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