The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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