Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
