I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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