she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
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