He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
