Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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