Pants 0. Shit 1.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
