Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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