Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
