Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
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