It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
