the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
