why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
Randomize
